Just the Four of Us

We have our first official guests from Texas in town . . Paul’s kids!! They’re here for two weeks and we've just completed our first week together. We have had the kids visit arranged for several months now and in anticipation of their arrival I did what I do best – planned a packed travel itinerary. I know that not everyone travels the way I do in a fast, exhausting pace trying to see anything and everything, but I also wanted to over plan in order to avoid hearing the whines of bored teenagers lamenting the lack of cell phones (we’re not paying the international rates), cable TV, free Wi-Fi everywhere, friends, and transportation. I knew that half of the itinerary would be scrapped; however, I also knew that if I didn’t take the initiative and plan Paul wouldn’t have scheduled anything. And I certainly didn’t want to come home from a day at work with everyone expecting me to entertain them. Unfortunately, we both have to work while they are here so that was another reason for a packed itinerary.

The kids haven’t really ever traveled abroad and even though Australia is similar to the USA, any trip to another country can be overwhelming. I guess it’s been so long since my first trip abroad of my own that I didn’t quite get the kids hesitancy or lack of enthusiasm in regards to trying things. Paul and I have traveled on numerous trips together, but we’ve never traveled with the four of us together. Actually, prior to their arrival, I hadn’t spent the night with both kids at the same time. On rare occasions the kids visited us in Dallas, but usually it was one or the other and mostly day visits with the occasional overnight stay. Visiting dad and your step-mom don’t rank high on a teenager’s social calendar. Even though I am a ton of fun ;), I don’t blame them. I never visited my dad and step-mom much as a teenager either.

In my planning, I also failed to realize how much walking we do on a regular basis around here and how that might impact others. Yes, there is public transportation available; however, Paul and I often reach our destinations quicker by walking rather than waiting for a bus or a train. This will serve as a general warning for anyone coming to visit: we live in the city within reasonable walking distances to everything and we don’t have a car, therefore, if you are with us, you WILL have to walk a lot. It’s just our reality and it was my mistake in realizing that is not the reality for everyone else. All in all, their first week in Sydney has gone well and I think they’re actually enjoying themselves.

When planning for the kids’ activities, Paul really wanted to take them to a beach. Granted we have a number of beaches in and around Sydney; however, it’s winter and it’s cold. Not very conducive to beach weather unless you’re part of the polar bear club. I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s not sun and surf year round. I’m rugged up (Aussie for bundled up) with the best of them especially considering I don’t have a warm car to escape to and I have a significant amount of walking in my daily commute. Oh how I miss my car and heated seats some days.

Luckily I found a great deal for the four of us to travel north to Cairns to experience their beaches and more importantly: The Great Barrier Reef. So Paul and I each took two days off from work and in conjunction with the weekend we had a mini-vacation and a new experience for all of us. The Cairns trip happened to coincide with Father’s Day and the opportunity for Paul to spend the day with his kids experiencing an amazing part of the world. In his opinion, it was the best gift ever and it made him happy which made me happy so everyone wins.

The weather in Cairns was warm enough for most, about 75 degrees for the high, but not warm enough for me to get into the water. I’m going to blame the cold water as the reason why I had no desire to jump in; however, I’ve yet to step into the ocean since our arrival in Australia. And yes, we’ve been to a few beaches in warm weather. I’m more concerned with the sharks and other random animals that appear on the warning signs. I’ll stick to the pool, thank you very much.

We stayed in a holiday apartment about a block from the beach which allowed ample opportunity for the kids to lay out and enjoy the beach. Paul and I also explored the beach and the little town. Unfortunately, the weather in Cairns did not work in our favor. It was EXTREMELY windy all four days. While sitting on the beach the wind would whip the sand around causing you to find sand in your ears and eyebrows hours later. The strong wind ended up deterring the kids from the beach in the afternoons and we spent time surfing the internet, reading, and watching repeats of the previous night’s world cup games. (The games are shown live in Australia at 9 pm, 12 am, and 4:30 am. I’ve become quite knowledgeable about soccer. In fact, Paul and I even braved the cold weather and went to an outdoor viewing site to watch a game broadcast live at 4:30 am in Sydney.)

The main point of our trip and most people’s trip to Cairns is to visit the Great Barrier Reef. The kids had never gone snorkeling before nor seen a reef. Unfortunately, the wind also negatively impacted our trip to the Great Barrier Reef. Well, at least the wind negatively impacted my day. With really windy days there are really big waves in the ocean which cause major sea sickness. I don’t get car sick or anything like that; however, I always took Dramamine to fly with Paul and I do much better taking it when we’re out on a boat in really rough waters. Within 10 minutes of our boat leaving the marina, I was miserable and I knew I was in for one of the longest days of my life. It was a 2 hour boat ride out to the reef and I tried to put on my big girl face and hang in there, but it was tough. Although, I wasn’t nearly as bad off as some individuals who were working their way through the barf bags. I stayed away from them because just being around them started the whole gag effect. I realize I’m a frugal person, cheap really, and it sucks to feel crappy when you’ve spent a significant amount of money on an activity. Paul and the kids weren’t phased at all so it didn’t negatively impact their experience which was important.

I signed Paul and the kids up for the snorkel and discovery dive while I was just signed up for the snorkeling. There was supposed to also be a semi-submarine option in our trip but with the wind being as strong as it was they couldn’t bring the sub that close to the reef without knocking into it and well, that just wouldn’t go over well with nature conservationists. Due to the lovely wind we also only got the opportunity to snorkel/dive at one location rather than two. If it hadn’t been for the great time Paul and the kids had, I would’ve been very disappointed. I’ve traveled and snorkeled in some cool places so the whole experience wasn’t really about me but really an attempt to create some great memories for them. They all did a discovery dive with some enjoying it more than others and we all snorkeled. We saw a number of things including rainbow fish, parrot fish, clown fish, beautiful coral, a huge clam (the boys stuck their hand in it), a shark, and an octopus. All in all: mission accomplished.

So here we are, the four of us sitting at the airport in Cairns waiting for our already delayed flight. Anyone looking at us would assume that we’re a family and I guess we are. You’ve got two teenagers with headphones in listening to their iPods, a dad bent over a computer answering emails, and me. It all appears normal enough, yet, it just doesn’t feel normal. I feel like the outsider looking in, the odd man out. I’m the newest addition to this group and I’m just not sure where I fit in. Yes, this is my family, but I guess I’ve never really thought of us in that sense. In my opinion, I’m just the one married to their dad.

I’ve always been part of a family, but it’s really weird for me to consider myself as having a family. I’m not so sure I even embrace that concept yet. I guess I don’t feel like it’s my family to have. I’m just a part of a pre-existing group. For so long the words “family” to me have been defined by my parents, siblings, niece and nephews, etc., but now the term is different - if I want it to be. Yes, I realize that Paul has kids, but my day-to-day life doesn’t require me to view Paul as a dad. He’s just Paul, my husband who has two kids. I’m always kind of taken aback when he is in that “Dad” role because I just don’t see it on a regular basis. Paul is a great dad, but his role as dad doesn’t require me to be involved so I am a little removed from this part of his life. When people ask if I have children, I always say “my husband has two kids or refer to them as Paul’s kids.” It’s not that I don’t want to claim them, but I don’t know exactly where I fit in or again, if they’re mine to claim. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I don’t need to fit in anywhere, but rather just be. I do have a tendency to over analyze things.

There isn’t a significant (statistically speaking) age gap between me and the kids and they don’t need another parent so I guess I’m more or less considered like a big sister to them. I’m not necessarily sure if I see myself in that role, but I think that’s how they see me and that’s fine. We have a good relationship and get along well and I’m fortunate for that. More importantly they have a good relationship with their dad. I’m sure the distance (both physically and emotionally) helps our relationship as well. They know and are constantly reminded that we want them to be a part of our lives and we’ll do what we can to support that endeavor. We can all talk openly about whatever topic (even if considered taboo in other families) and I don’t feel like I have to filter too much of myself or my opinions which is good seeing as how I struggle with filtering myself, in general. I seem to be more up to date on the current trends/interests than Paul does so that allows me some credibility with the kids. However, during their visit I’ve realized that I’m not nearly as lenient of a parent as Paul. Luckily for the kids he ends up making most of the decisions.

It’s hard to navigate a blended family - I should know as I’m a product of one. I came onto the scene really late in the kids’ life and having friends married to guys with younger kids there are pros and cons. They were 13 and 14 when we began dating and are now 16 and 18. Coming into their lives so late requires me to be little more than a bystander when it comes to big decisions and that is VERY difficult for me especially as some of decisions play a role in my life as well. I try really, really hard to see it all from the kids’ perspective, but I’ll admit that it is difficult. So much of my world is all about me because well, it can be. Yes, I do consider myself selfish on occasions, but I think that is a result of choices that I have made in my life to allow me to be that way. Others have made different choices or have different circumstances that don’t allow them that same option. I don’t consider myself a selfish person; however, I do have different priorities than my parenting friends.

Over the past several months I’ve continually talked to my mom about being a second wife and a step- mom and she’s provided insight and opinions. Most importantly, she has let me know that each family has to determine what is best for them and take that route and all you can do is what you think is best. My family won’t and doesn't have to look the same as everyone else and that is something I have to come to understanding. I may not share the same memories with the Paul and the kids, but we’re making our own and that is important too. I guess what is more important than me feeling like I fit in is that I know I’m accepted and wanted within our own little family.